Look at his hands. LOOK AT THEM. THOSE HANDS.

“The Gulf War should make for a fun video game, right? Especially a side-scrolling beat-’em-up. But Double Dragon this ain’t.”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

I keep wanting to call this game Operation Secret Scout.

Seriously, Color Dreams: It’s not enough to never change your core gameplay within a genre, but you have to be obsessed with shoving the word “Secret” into your titles, too?! So weird. You are such a weirdo. A legitimate whack-a-doo, you know that? Yipes.

Screw it: I am not mentioning any other games of theirs. Do the research yourself. Just trust me: The same tinny sound effects, the same broken hit detection, and the same abysmal movement mechanics are all intact.

But what this game does have, that not every other side-scrolling Color Dreams title has, is two things: Interesting bosses, and infinite continues. Those two aspects alone, in my mind, prevent this from being the barrel-bottom-scraping scapegoat of their line-up.

And, besides, c’mon, mocking the Gulf War is sort of a strangely brilliant, bold concept. Kinda. Maybe.

Honest advice: Go read The Retro Critic’s take on this game. Humorous, honest, and packed full of gameplay pictures. Great stuff.

The happiest part about this is that I am one step closer to being done with the Color Dreams library on NES. Ah!

Read The Full Review For: Commentary on graphics and sound, a little more explanation as to what makes this game broken, and one unique trivia tidbit as to this game’s place in the Color Dreams canon.

NES Gameplay Tips For Operation Secret Storm: You know that fleshy webbing you have between your thumb and forefinger? Put a few staples through it. I guarantee you that the experience will be more fun than actually playing Operation Secret Storm.

But sure, have some more screenshots. Whatever.

Geographical education!

DRUMS

PUNCH

… wait, shouldn’t the giant eagle be my patriotic friend?! Also: Sweet flying jump kick.

DEAD BIRD LOL

BANG BANG YO DEAD

The camel breathes fireballs. Seriously.

Weirdly subtle game over screen.

It’s a little thing, but I love the two-tone lettering here.

“Defender II has a lot of great things going for it.”
– excerpt from the full review, which can be read here.

Maybe it’s my love of Star Wars.

Maybe it’s my growing appreciation for shooters. I’d say I’ve gone soft on shooters lately, but I just recently review another space shmup from HAL that didn’t do too hot in my book.

Maybe it’s memories of my mother teaching me how to get the second ship in Galaga.

Whatever it is: I really like Defender II.

I truly believe that it represents among the most ideal arcade ports on the NES.

Hey, go read my friend Dylan a.k.a. Questicle’s take on the game, too — he is right. And that point about how old-school games effectively use the canvas of a black background to convey the emptiness of space? Great insight.

pew pew pew

We all know that some of the otherwise-classic games that were converted to the NES just are not nearly as good in 8-bit form. This is a shame, because with the still-going popularity of some arcade titles and their high-score pursuits (see: King of Kong/Donkey Kong),  I would love to see an Internet-aided modern renaissance of NES mastery, where some of us are going hard at each other on these games.

Many of the arcade-style games are well-suited for that. I really like Marble Madness, for one. I know Mason Cramer has done excellent work on Millipede. Do we really know the upper limits of these NES games? Are there kill screens we have never reached as a community? I love pondering unknown territory like that, and I think we have a lot of room still left to explore in the undiscovered countries of competitive NES gaming.

So, hey, I have a soft spot for Defender II — and this is one big reason: I suck at it, yet of the many many games I am terrible at, it is among the foremost titles that I want to be great at. There is some untold, deep, unsettling nature to Defender II that is so compelling, so evocative… it demands my best. It urges me, drives me, makes me want to practice and hone my edge.

FREE FAAAAAAAALLING

Maybe it’s just me, but there it is. Defender II is solid. If you want a space shooter, if you want an arcade port, if you want a simple game to pick up, if you want mindless fun, if you want high-precision perfection — Defender II is an 8-bit game that hits all those marks and more. Seriously!

Read The Full Review For: More thoughts on what precisely makes Defender II a great arcade port candidate to the NES, notes on the very intriguing soundtrack, a little gaming history lesson, and some silly words at work.

NES Gameplay Tips For Defender II: Don’t fly too fast. Don’t worry too much. Exploit greedy saucers for bonus points. And fly on, star pilot. Fly on.

This was a terrible accident.

Well that run sucked…

Title screen: Kinda cool. Kinda yellow.

“Metal Mech is a dull, dreary, tedious, boring, monotonous, redundant, redundant affair.”
– from the full review.

I don’t want to talk about Metal Mech.

Usually, in the more informal blog post about the NES video game I am reviewing, I have something to say. Some personal anecdote involving my experience with the title, perhaps a few trivial tidbits, commentary on its place in Nintendo’s 8-bit library, joke captions under screenshots, flippant remarks involving insults, impassioned pleas for more notoriety, whatever. Something.

But I really don’t want to talk about Metal Mech. Check, please. Let me off the ride now. Exit stage left. Kick the bucket. Buy the farm. See ya later. Cash out. Hit Reset.

Metal Mech is… one of the most soulless video games I have ever played, and I dare say you ever will too, if you try it. It is a plodding beast, a monolith, a big gray rock in an otherwise beautiful garden.

It boggles my mind to try and imagine someone who is very pleased with this game, who plays it repeatedly out of pure joy, and not out of spite or irony or some weird Let’s Play fetish.

The coolest thing about Metal Mech is how the screen shakes slightly whenever the mech lands from a jump. Nice touch.

Otherwise, Metal Mech can go fall off  a cliff for all I care.

In fact, I made a commercial for it. Enjoy.

And I still have one more thing to say, actually.

If you check out the instruction manual for Metal Mech, you can already tell what sort of playthrough you are in for. Seriously, check out this scanned image of page 24. Read it:

Basically, it says: “This game is a mindless collectathon in which we actually, explicitly admit you have to brainlessly shoot every single item in the level to even have a chance at finding the necessary key. Not only that, but we suggest you create hand-drawn maps — not because the game has an appealing labyrinthine maze, like Metroid might, or that it even causes a creepy sense of isolation or claustrophobia, but purely because the levels are so massively large and unfortunately designed. This is stuff we actually say in the instruction manual. It’s like we’re tipping you off to our own poor decisions.”

Read The Full Review For: Heavy-handed comparison to one particular NES classic, a few attempts at using humor rather than writing a completely dry review, an analogy involving stabbing someone in the kneecap, and other stuff.

NES Gameplay Tips For Metal Mech: Use online FAQs to find the stupid level keys/items more quickly.

Almost dead. Jumping off a building. Don’t even care.

I have a love/hate relationship with the iconic black-box game title screens.

“The problem with Tennis is that it feels more like a product demo for Nintendo than a true finished video game. ”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

Better than Clu Clu Land?

Tennis might be the best sports game of the original NES release line-up, yet still leaves much to be desired. Despite its smooth gameplay, simple controls, and options for doubles or difficulty levels, this is a game best played as a brief diversion and not taken too seriously.

It does stand as a neat testament, though, to how far the NES came in its production values for sports titles. Just think about the comparison between 10-Yard Fight and Tecmo Bowl, or between Baseball and Base Wars. Both the breadth and depth of improvement is startling.

I will say this about Tennis, at least: Serving an ace still feels pretty good.

So, too, does a solid back-and-forth volley.

Note: Frames have been removed from these .gif animations for compression. The actual NES gameplay animation is much smoother!

Feel free to check out NESQuester’s review of Tennis, too.

Read The Full Review For: Both the good and the bad concerning this game’s control scheme, one particular aspect in which this game is “rather unimpressive,” and a couple trivia tidbits.

NES Gameplay Tips for Tennis: When a shot comes down the left-side line, be sure to use a backhand return.

Screenshots!

Back when Mario’s vocabulary was arguably larger. “TKO!!”

What a beautiful forehand from Legend…

Classy Roman numerals.

Doubles.

“Furthermore, even those platforming portions take place in zero gravity, allowing the player to jump as high as desired (with the Up button held), along with the neat visual of the player-character jolting backwards with each shot fired in midair.”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

Honestly? I’d rather play Metal Fighter.

Air Fortress makes for an interesting case study in style vs. substance. It has more style than substance, yet its style is never overwhelming, even at its best. The “hook” we are expected to bite is the hybrid of shooter and platformer genres; but if neither is carried out to an outstanding degree, why should we bother to care?

This is a decent game, but only decent. It is not very challenging. It moves at a slow, tedious pace. Most on-screen foes can be conquered with just a couple simple strategies.

But, hey, those spacey scenes make for some cool visuals, right? Air Fortress is what happens when a bunch of game-makers decide on a solid concept, but without the strenuous design tweaks and polish required to make that concept truly work.

We are left with a curiosity that just blends in with the rest of the NES library, not even bad enough to show up on the Awful Games lists out there.

Read The Full Review For: Use of fancy words like “eponymous,” a brief plot overview, mechanical observations, a verdict on audiovisuals, and your usual brand of more in-depth commentary.

NES Gameplay Tips for Air Fortress: Neither fret nor worry, for this is a fairly generic game, and general practice on shooters and platformers shall prepare you adequately for its rigors.

Graphics might be the best part of Air Fortress. Example: Lighting effects!

“Hatris is a game of patience and precision.”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

I like puzzle games.

Among all the video game genres, puzzles are somewhere up there right alongside side-scrollers and traditional RPGs for me. Tetris Attack, on SNES, is probably one of my top ten personal favorite video games.

So when I have a chance to really examine a title like Hatris, it is a treat. Check out the full review for an in-depth analysis of its mechanics, pacing, etc. — but, really, this is a solid puzzle game.

No, it is not as good as Tetris or Dr. Mario. But a discerning gamer will note little touches of brilliance throughout. For example, the quick-drop mechanic has been superbly engineered. Pressing Down nearly instantly brings the hat pair all the way down, but not quite. There is a little cushion, of space, and of time, allowing the player to not only double-check their decision, but offer the brief moment of brainspace required to make the next move, that crucial maneuver of ensuring the second hat is able to glide to its intended destination.

Yeah, I like Hatris. Which is largely why I am, instead of putting the usual screenshots or gameplay tips here, I am including a Let’s Play video, which should handle visuals and tips just fine. Be forewarned: It is a little over an hour long, which gives any viewer a bit of a clue as to Hatris’s pacing issues, and why I do not rate it higher. Enjoy.

I love the star in the “R.” Such a simple, pleasant, iconic flourish.

“By maintaining the tradition of jump-over-the-enemy obstacles while also forcing the player to think in more dimensions than merely Left and Right, DKJR broadens the gaming mind, preparing one for not only more possibilities to overcome, but to consider what gameplay can involve overall.”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

With my apologies to Trickman (hey, join us at the Retroids forums), this is my favorite game of the NES Donkey Kong series.

Although the DK franchise comes with loaded opinions and baggage from all sides, I bet we can all agree that this is better than Donkey Kong Jr. Math, at least.

I just think DK JR provides more of a platforming challenge, more stage-design variety, and if we learned anything from Pitfall, we know that swinging from vine to vine is a good time.

I can remember playing the original NES Donkey Kong game and walking away thinking, roughly, “Meh.” When I got around to trying Jr., with some trepidation, I definitely found it refreshing, and was pleasantly surprised.

I am not one of those people that thinks there is an impossibly deep gulf of difference between those games (c’mon, let’s be honest), but the differences are notable enough, in my mind, for that distinction.

This is one of those “If you haven’t played it in a while, go back and try it again” titles.

Also: It is kind of sad that we do not see more of Donkey Kong Jr. nowadays, although Rare once tried to explain his absence by insisting he grew older and became the “new” Donkey Kong or whatever. Laaaaaaaame.

Read The Full Review For: Pointing out how this game’s visual design is reflected in other, future Nintendo titles; what this game has in common with Clu Clu Land, and what separates the two; use of fancy words, like “nascent” and “adroitly”; an examination of the level designs, and how they reflect a solid case study in platforming.

NES Gameplay Tips for Donkey Kong Jr: Can probably better be found in some weird old-fashioned Secrets To Winning At Video Games book; because, although I truly like DK JR, I am not very good at it. Honestly.

Feast your eyes on quality 8-bit pixel art goodness.

Monkeyin’ around.

Even the bouncy spring looks familiar to this Nintendo fan…

As others have noted, this level definitely has a hand in future Super Mario stage design.

Lock-pickin’. Lock-pushin’.

Hurray! … ?!

“When playing Donkey Kong 3, one gets the sense that smiles are encouraged.”
– from the full review, which you can read here.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Stanley The Bugman make a comeback.

I mean, I’m not saying I’m the guy’s biggest fan or anything. It just seems a little rotten, only getting to appear in this and, apparently, an old Game & Watch title, as I learned in the Gaming Historian’s excellent video on Donkey Kong 3 — he does great work, that guy. Nintendo is usually good for at least a couple more games for its protagonists. You have to really flop to never been seen again. Look at Wario: Started out as a two-bit villain, now has his own branding empire. Pauline and Daisy have had a number of turns around the Nintendo carousel. Where’s the Stanley love? I guess we can always rewatch his appearance on the Saturday Supercade cartoon.

I admit, I kinda just want to see another platformer-shooter hybrid. Don’t we all love a good genre fusion?

NES Gameplay Tips For Donkey Kong 3: Boy, I am not the right guy to ask! I am one of the impatient players who always tries to advance by filling DK’s butt full of insecticide, every stage, as fast as possible, and abuse the Super Sprayer. Of course, this is much more dangerous, and requires a deft balance between attacking Donkey Kong while dodging incoming (and upcoming) bug baddies. Then again, I hate time limits, and want to avoid the anxiety of slowly picking off the bees, one by one, as they emerge from their hive, until all are gone. Good luck with either strategy. And keep grabbing that Super Sprayer.

Read The Full Review For: I have written nearly 300 NES reviews. The games themselves are always rewarding, and still offer plenty of variety. Donkey Kong 3 is a great example of a quirky, distinctive title. With my writing, however, it can be difficult to feel like  am doing a proper job continuing to hone my voice, while offering every game a high-quality representation. Sometimes I am just happy if I can find myself using a couple new phrases I have never resorted to before, as I found in this review. Other times, I try to go more lighthearted, or use more metaphors, or… I am not sure what I am trying to say here, other than observing that review-writing is somehow immensely rewarding yet rather soul-sucking at times as well. Take that as you wish, dear reader.

Screens:

Mmm, yeah, take it…

Someday I shall write an entire essay on how Donkey Kong’s teeth are drawn in this game.

At least when Stanley dies, there are already flowers around his resting place.