Metal Mech



Title screen: Kinda cool. Kinda yellow.

Title screen: Kinda cool. Kinda yellow.

“Metal Mech is a dull, dreary, tedious, boring, monotonous, redundant, redundant affair.”
– from the full review.

I don’t want to talk about Metal Mech.

Usually, in the more informal blog post about the NES video game I am reviewing, I have something to say. Some personal anecdote involving my experience with the title, perhaps a few trivial tidbits, commentary on its place in Nintendo’s 8-bit library, joke captions under screenshots, flippant remarks involving insults, impassioned pleas for more notoriety, whatever. Something.

But I really don’t want to talk about Metal Mech. Check, please. Let me off the ride now. Exit stage left. Kick the bucket. Buy the farm. See ya later. Cash out. Hit Reset.

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Metal Mech is… one of the most soulless video games I have ever played, and I dare say you ever will too, if you try it. It is a plodding beast, a monolith, a big gray rock in an otherwise beautiful garden.

It boggles my mind to try and imagine someone who is very pleased with this game, who plays it repeatedly out of pure joy, and not out of spite or irony or some weird Let’s Play fetish.

The coolest thing about Metal Mech is how the screen shakes slightly whenever the mech lands from a jump. Nice touch.

Otherwise, Metal Mech can go fall off  a cliff for all I care.

In fact, I made a commercial for it. Enjoy.

And I still have one more thing to say, actually.

If you check out the instruction manual for Metal Mech, you can already tell what sort of playthrough you are in for. Seriously, check out this scanned image of page 24. Read it:

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Basically, it says: “This game is a mindless collectathon in which we actually, explicitly admit you have to brainlessly shoot every single item in the level to even have a chance at finding the necessary key. Not only that, but we suggest you create hand-drawn maps — not because the game has an appealing labyrinthine maze, like Metroid might, or that it even causes a creepy sense of isolation or claustrophobia, but purely because the levels are so massively large and unfortunately designed. This is stuff we actually say in the instruction manual. It’s like we’re tipping you off to our own poor decisions.”

Read The Full Review For: Heavy-handed comparison to one particular NES classic, a few attempts at using humor rather than writing a completely dry review, an analogy involving stabbing someone in the kneecap, and other stuff.

NES Gameplay Tips For Metal Mech: Use online FAQs to find the stupid level keys/items more quickly.

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Almost dead. Jumping off a building. Don't even care.

Almost dead. Jumping off a building. Don’t even care.

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