What do we really know about Ganondorf?


This is not an image of Ganondorf.

Some could say that Ganondorf is almost certainly a video game character.

But what do we really know about Ganondorf?


• His parents, Hannadorf and Garydorf, aspired for him to be a concert pianist. His skill on the keys never quite came to any prominent fruition.

• His name is BlurryFace, and he cares what you think.

• Ganondorf has saved so few children from burning orphanages that, honestly, it should be some sort of crime, and I do not understand why we keep idolizing him.

• He has done very little reading on The Great Filter.

• Of all his traits, I find his caffeine addiction to be among the most endearing.

This is probably not Ganondorf either.

This is probably not Ganondorf either.

• He once insulted Donkey Kong by stating in the midst of an argument, “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”

• How long has he been playing that organ before you get up there, anyway?! Seriously. Hours? Days?

• He uses a very small brass screw to count your teeth.

• He thinks of limes in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

• I never actually finished Twilight Princess, but don’t tell anyone. And, yes, the you-are-a-dog thing really threw me off. I do not see the appeal there. I am a fan of the Legend of Zelda series — I want to be Link, not an animal, not a furry, not a bandana.

• BrentalFloss once called me “dickface” on Twitter, which neither entirely surprised nor impressed me.

• Ganondorf believes that, actually, there is a spoon.

• Ganondorf has no interest in your Prada theories, but will welcome a discussion on sensible treatments for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

• Whenever someone uses the word “telescope,” Ganondorf digs a fingernail into his shoulder until he draws blood. I asked him about this once, and he gave me a look — a look which I now see whenever I close my eyes.

Not Ganondorf.

Not Ganondorf.

• Ganondorf’s record-setting run on Win Three Territories In China Tonight! was so unprecedented that studio execs had to be convinced that it actually occurred and was not just a very clever prank by [ name redacted ].

• Honestly, if Ganondorf were gay, he would be a very sad homosexual, very lonely.

• It is bizarre, silly, and maybe remarkable how many questions can be accurately, effectively answered with the simple, confident response of “Not Ganondorf.” Try it sometime. Report back to me with your results. Aspire to higher mentality. Break bread with sinners. Break sinners with bread.

• Ganondorf does the most adorable thing with his geraniums; why, you simply must come over sometime! Is Jim still working second shift? Gee whiz, we should get together Saturday evening! What say you and the missus come over around six and we’ll have ourselves a real barn-burner of a barbeque party? Hot dog, that’s the ticket!

• Yvan eht nioj, Ganondorf. Yvan eht nioj.

• My cousin Shane says that scientists have “no idear what they’re talkin’ ’bout,” and reads his morning horoscope religiously. My cousin Shane says that solar power is a pipe dream because, and I quote, “How you gonna power all that stuff at night when the sun ain’t out, dummy?” My cousin Shane once asked me how much Coca-Cola goes into cocaine. My cousin Shane does not understand time zones; and no, I don’t mean he is confused by them, or that it takes him a minute to figure out which way they go (this is true for me, I have to visualize the Earth rotating to understand it, and it all takes concentration for me, personally), I mean that if you sit down and try to explain that it is not the same time everywhere at once, and different countries experience events like sunrise and sundown at different moments than we do, he will grow frustrated and brush off your explanation with a quip such as “I don’t need no lecture from no NASA spook guvvermint nutjob.”

• If Ganondorf can hover, why does he need a horse?

• Can we talk about Ganondorf’s horse? Like, can we wonder who is taking care of it while Ganondorf sits upstairs, playing the organ for weeks at a time? What does Ganondorf feed this horse? Can we call this horse Ganonhorse? Does Ganondorf even like this horse; like, is Ganondorf even a little affectionate towards this horse? Is this horse Ganondorf’s one final chance at redemption?

• All your Han shot first are belong to us.

• A cape, Ganondorf? Really? … Okay, a cape. Okape? Ocape? No. Nokay. Nokape. Nocape.

• Ganondorf is about three times worse at checkers than you would guess.

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