[ Welcome to the What Do We Really Know About series, in which we explore what people really know about a given topic in order to unearth the truth. It all began with What Do We Really Know About Mario?, while other targets have included the Ottawa Senators team from Blades of Steel (NES) and what we really know about Ganondorf. ]
“I’ve never seen anything like this.”
Those were the last words of Marcus Chaftwhile, payroll clerk for the New York offices of Neuman & Britt. He was 47 years old. He is survived by his father, Clarence, and his mother, Clarice; his brother, Clarence Jr., and his younger brother, Norbert; his son, Niles, his other son, Theodore, and his daughter, Sheila May; and his ever-loving wife, Pearl, known by those close to her affectionately as “Blöuzen-kitz.”
Chaftwhile enjoyed travel, fine dining, and an occasional round of golf. With a sharp wit and handsome jawline, Marcus could often be seen emceeing various fundraising events and other social pursuits. He was an active member of his community and a faithful parishioner of St. Lucidia’s Third Spire where funeral services will be held Friday evening.
While those closest to him would praise Chaftwhile’s generosity and general affability, murmurs frequently arose regarding his more bizarre interests. “Oh yeah, he was into some real weird stuff,” a man named Jeffrey Karlson* confirmed. He continued, “Chafty had his share of secrets. I suspect he knew a lot more than he let on, and will go into the grave with more than his fair share of shadows and darkness.”
In lieu of flowers, loved ones are encouraged to donate toward The Mastery of Kinetics Foundation, a non-profit organization that was launched per instructions in Chaftwile’s will. There was also a note to include a particular quote in this space: “For want of a nail, all hope was lost. I do hope that humanity fares well in its last days.”
[ *Note: This name has been changed to protect our source’s identity. His real name is Taylor Zonne. ]